[from 2011 with love] More IRC Madness

It's always been a really lively bunch in #lotwar, but sometimes someone says something that just makes us pause. Not because we find it offensive - we're just doubling over in laughter, typing 'LOL' with a sprinkling of 'lmao', all the while head-desking furiously.

Let's get started. In the words of our beloved leader himself,

[14:30] * cookster is now known as orgy_man


[22:29] [@cookster] i had enought turns with sadpuppy
[22:29] [@cookster] but he is having internet problems now
[22:30] [@cookster] or a mid life crisis
[22:30] [Digger] lol
[22:30] [@cookster] both are likely
[22:30] [@cookster] lol
[22:30] [Digger] the latter is slightly more possible
[22:30] [@cookster] yeah
[22:30] [@cookster] lol
[22:30] [stonedless] is he old enough 4 midlife crisis?
[22:31] [@cookster] well
[22:31] [@cookster] the fuck if i know
[22:31] * stonedless is now known as loveless
[22:31] [@cookster] sometimes i think he is 40
[22:31] [@cookster] sometimes i think he has no pubic hair yet

(If you're reading this, ABM, know that we'll always love you)

(By love, we mean love to cut down your tree with a chainsawflamethrower and feed the pieces through an industrial grade shredder)

[18:22] [@cookster] oh time to give birth to a mini cookie

[18:22] [@cookster] and i got 

[18:23] [@cookster] 2 tickketsssssssssssssssss to paradiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

[18:23] [@cookster] wont you

[18:23] [@cookster] packkkk yourrrr bags and willllllllllllll leavvvvvvvvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeeeeee toniggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhtttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt

[18:23] [@cookster] naa naaaa naaaa naaa naaa naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

[18:24] * BK digs in the medicine cabinet

[18:25] [@cookster] grrrrrrounnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng control to hellscrusadddddeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[18:26] [BK] come in helllsscrusadeerrr

[18:27] [@cookster] sytems check

[18:27] [@cookster] enginessssssssssss onnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

[18:28] [BK] thrusterrrss aree gooooo

[18:29] [BK] and booozeee in thee friidgee :D

[18:31] [@cookster] lol

[18:31] * @cookster waits for hc to appear again

[18:43] * HellsCrusader takes his protein pills and puts his helmt on

[18:44] [@cookster] there we go

[18:45] [HellsCrusader] lol

[18:45] [HellsCrusader] this is hellscrusader to ground control

[18:45] [HellsCrusader] i'm stepping thorugh the doooorrrrrr

[18:45] [HellsCrusader] errr wait that's a wall

[18:45] * HellsCrusader passes out

[18:47] [@cookster] LMAO

[18:47] [@cookster] i think bk passed out

Some days are definitely weirder than others. 

[02:55] * loveless bungee jumps on CLM

[02:56] [@CLM] o.0

[02:56] [@CLM] weeeee

[02:56] [loveless] hold on tight

[02:58] [loveless] i cant decide that 'twang' i heard was the rope or CLMs knicker elastic 

[02:59] [hush_xCWGx{WoW}] lmao

[03:00] [loveless] G-force on a G-string 

Of course, inspiration can strike anytime, anywhere. 

[19:58] [@cookster] fuck i would even take the queen right about now if she had turns

[19:58] [+HellsCrusader] hahahahaha

[19:58] [+HellsCrusader] dirtyy

[19:58] [+HellsCrusader] she's so oldd

[19:58] [+HellsCrusader] all her loose skin will bunch up on your thighs

[19:58] [useless] OI leave my mom alone :P

[19:59] [+HellsCrusader] hahahah

[19:59] [@cookster] i could clamp down the loose skin

[19:59] [@cookster] make it tight

[19:59] [+HellsCrusader] the prince? :O

[19:59] [+HellsCrusader] ewwwwwwwww

[19:59] [+HellsCrusader] lmao

[19:59] [@cookster] and grease her down with tractor grease

[19:59] [+HellsCrusader] ahahaha

[19:59] [@cookster] ah man

[19:59] [@cookster] bk will soooo quote that

Your wish is my command.

[20:46] * HellsCrusader dreams of cookster in a mini skirt with a kiddy pool of tractor grease

Some of us prefer to keep keep their inclinations... made crystal clear. 

If you're reading this and are not in #lotwar, you're clearly missing out! What else could you be waiting for? Join us now and even get a free gift from Cookster himself! 

[22:45] [father_cookie] cooked any more testicules today?

 Have a good day, folks.

[JUNE 2012] IRC Madness

To kickstart the page, what better than a review of the past month in #lotwar IRC?

If you're shaking your head and attempting to cover your head with your hands/feet/whichever-body-part-is-nearest-to-your-face, YES. Your post is most likely to have been spotted, saved and republished in all its glory.

And if it isn't, well, send us a message. Or something. With the amount of gems we dig out of IRC chat daily, it's not surprising that we missed out a few.

Or maybe yours just wasn't that funny. Remember the time you told a joke and laughed... on your own? LoT takes its jokes very seriously, and regrettably we have standards to keep. But you shouldn't, you know, give up and all that. Just keep trying. You will be mocked, ignored, silenced, be forced to endure Westlife listening sessions (we recommend getting a pair of heavy-duty earplugs), be shot from cannons, run over by beer trucks, and other less than appropriate tortures, but when you finally score that golden moment, it will be worth it.

Just like this one:

[12:42] [HellsCrusader] jus tcame up with some reaallly cool guitar and melodies, but hmmmm

[12:44] * CLM likes Melodies...you never meet an Ugly girl named Melody

[12:56] [@BK] Mehhhh Louuuu Deeeee

[12:56] [CLM] little lower dear

[12:57] [HellsCrusader] lol

[12:57] [HellsCrusader] neeeed

[12:57] [HellsCrusader] teh wordss

[12:57] [HellsCrusader] before it becomes another unfinisheddd

[12:57] [@BK] mehhh LOW Deee

[12:57] [CLM] those are the owrds... neeever meettt a Mellody who wuzzz uuuuugly

[12:57] [@BK] better? :p

[12:57] [CLM] yes ty

[12:58] * HellsCrusader tries

[12:58] [@BK] what rhymes with ugly?

[12:58] [HellsCrusader] fugly lol

[12:58] [@BK] lol besides that haha

[12:59] [CLM] mugly

[12:59] [CLM] snuggly

[12:59] [HellsCrusader] hmmm never met a melody who was ugly doesn't fit the emotional feel. it sounds like i'm lying :P

[12:59] [CLM] puggly

[12:59] [CLM] sigh

[12:59] [CLM] never good enough for you am i ?

[12:59] [CLM] lol

[12:59] [HellsCrusader] lol

[12:59] [@BK] never met a melody who wasn't ugly?

[12:59] [HellsCrusader] lol

[12:59] [HellsCrusader] bahhhhh

[12:59] [CLM] hehe

[13:01] [CLM] Melody keep me happy , she doesnt mind I am ugly.....

[13:01] * CLM hides

[13:01] [HellsCrusader] lol pfshhh

[13:01] [@BK] :D

[13:02] [CLM] isnt there a song about ugly?

[13:02] * HellsCrusader doesn't know what kinda crappy music inspires such terrible lyrics :P

[13:02] [CLM] and dont worry, creative liscence...u r not ugly enough :P

[13:03] [HellsCrusader] :/

[13:03] [@BK] Melody who was ugly, I have never met.

[13:03] * CLM pats HellsCrusader on teh head

[13:03] [CLM] there ya go!

[13:05] [HellsCrusader] bahhhh lyrics are always the road blockkkk lol

[13:06] [CLM] so write about road blocks :D

[13:06] [HellsCrusader] lol nah

[13:06] [HellsCrusader] it's got tones..

[13:06] [HellsCrusader] hmm

[13:06] [CLM] its gotz....

[13:06] [HellsCrusader] hard to explain haha

[13:06] [@BK] tones, bones and traffic cones

[13:07] [CLM] can’t fill in the spaces, the lines are all blank, the road blocks in my head keep me from going to the lake

[13:07] [HellsCrusader] lmao

[13:07] [CLM] or maybe i am baked

[13:07] [HellsCrusader] pfsshhh country :P

[13:07] [CLM] .....

[13:07] [@BK] for HC's sake

[13:07] [CLM] LOL

[13:07] * HellsCrusader shoves his eyes into a rake

[13:07] [@BK] maybe go cook a steak?

[13:08] [HellsCrusader] secretly put it inside a cake..

[13:08] [CLM] and them BOOM

Alternately, you could ask the legendary HellsCrusader to teach you a thing or two about creative writing.
Pro tip: If he refuses, return with a few sets of Wendys Spicy Chicken - that will change his mind in no time. 
Alternately you could threaten him with Westlife. Use this method at your own risk. Results may vary.

[June 2012] NEW HOT UPDATE! (Literally)

LoT's IA board header

[18:26] [HellsCrusader_] loveless and his whining about pink and hearts.. pfshhh
[18:26] [loveless] LOL
[18:27] [HellsCrusader_] oh well. it's def my fav now lol
[18:27] [BK] hahaha
[18:27] [BK] I wonder how any IA work gets done.
[18:28] [loveless] i dont!!
[18:28] [loveless] zoom 200% rest of page dissapears :D
[18:28] [HellsCrusader_] lmao

If you were wondering why we bunch have been jerking slacking off for the past few days (it might have been weeks, or months - we're not entirely sure anymore), the addition of the picture above onto our LoT Internal Affairs (IA) Board might have something to do with it.

Motivation or otherwise (that's entirely up to you, the reader, to decide - after all, one man's disinterest is another man's material for fa- err, distractions), we decided it would be rather enlightening decor for the page. Wouldn't you agree?

[SEP 2010] IGGY CENTERSPREAD

From left: Erlitto(Iggy)'s wife Toni, his two angels Anya and Izzy, and some random dude.

I approach the great warrior with some sense of reverence, all the while eyeing the sleek golden rifle slung casually over his back. His face is pensive, calculating; but there is a merry twinkle in his eyes as he welcomes you.

'Thanks for agreeing to this meeting,' I begin.

'The pleasure is all mine.' He flashes me his dazzling smile once again. 'Shall we start?' and motions me to a nearby stone table.

I flick open the end of my scroll and ready my quill. 'Umm... to begin with, what does your name, Iggy, mean?'

'Well...' he scratches his chin. 'Angel from GoDs first baptised me with that name, because Ignotus was too long for her.' he laughs.

I start to form another question, but he interrupts me before I can open my mouth.

'And before you ask, Ignotus was the name of one of the three brothers, from the beetles and the bard stories - which you should be familiar with if you read the rivetting Happy Totter series by J.K.Rolling. Fascinating read.'

My hand flies across the scroll. 'So, how long have you been here on the Red Planet?'

'Hmm... 2 years, and 10 months, to be exact.'

'That's a long time,' I reply out of politeness, and he nods in agreement.

'Too long, some might say, but I can't say no to a jolly crowd and some good ale.' he winks.

'Any fond memories about your first set here?'

'Let me see. First ever set here, I never reported to war briefings, hit the enemy with any attack imaginable, essentially being a noob, as you guys term it.' a sheepish grin forms on his face.

'Did you have fun, at least?'

'Oh yes... hahahah. Especially when I see my attacks penetrate my enemy's defenses!'

Spurred on by his enthusiasm, I ploughed on. 'And do you think you learned any lessons running a country and going on KillRuns on your own compared to being taught formally in a clan?'

'I can honestly say I think I have not learned anything on my own. I have never been trained in the ways of war since young, this is a fairly new experience for me as far as combat goes.' he pauses for a bit. 'All of my knowledge and experience came from being in clans - the Generals of Destruction (GoD) and the Legends of Time (LoT) respectively.

'I see.' my turn to pause. 'Who was your first instructor?'

'A guy named Stick. He was around when I attended my first war chat.'

'Any favourite instructors? And what made him or her special?'

'Hmmmmm. On the strategic side, I forced myself to do plenty of reading back in GoDs. Being active during warchats help too. If I had to pick one, it would be Marco Darius (MD). But, in terms of working with people, no one beats Angel.' Iggy smiles.

'You must adore Angel so much.'

'Took you long enough.' he chortles.

'Okay, moving on, any particular event during the time you spent with them that stands out from the rest?'

Iggy ponders this for awhile. 'Nothing specific, it's all a big fuzzy mess of happy thoughts, good old times... I guess warchat interaction was pretty crazy, you had random country related and personal advice flowing in from all sides haha.'

I give him some time.

'Ahhhh I remember one. The time when Pheebs' daughter had a problem. It was a tough time for her, and you could really feel the warmth present within GoDs as a family clan. We even carried out a country name theme for little Lizzy - her daughter's name is Elizabeth.'

Iggy laughs again, then his face turned grave. 'And then I think either PVO or LSD, the russian clans, made a mockery of our country themes. Completely unacceptable, of course. Well you know what happened next.'

'For the sake of the readers, can you state what happened?'

'Ah, right. In a nutshell, drama in the local taverns, and blood in the battlefield.'

'Now to more... interesting matters. When did you first discover your love for sniping, aka stealing the last hit of every kill?'

He grins but remains quiet.

'Well?' I prod.

'Maybe it started when I first taught myself to predict how close a country was to death based on the civillian loss return rate. And,' he adds with a twinkle in his eye, 'the blood sword and killer medals are great motivational tools. They look shiny on my uniform.'

I point to the rifle on his back. 'And who gave you the legendary golden sniper rifle you are now reknowned for?'

'It was bestowed on me by the great Cookster, back when I managed 21 or so kills in a single set. It was during the PVO-LSD-Us-RF wars, if I remember.'

'A fitting achievement, then.'

'Or maybe earlier, I can't remember... getting old hehe. I think it was the second set of LoT. Since its rebirth.'

'Okay, just to wrap things up. What gives you the inspiration to continue fighting on and leading your clan the way you are now?' I ask.

'I don't know honestly.' Iggy just smiles. 'It's you guys that's keeping me ingame, of course. We already have a very good foundation to keep LoT running. Friendship, loyalty, honour. And I have vowed to keep the LoT tag alive, even if I have to slug it out with only 5 members - that was a promise made by me and Xninja back then.'

'And what do you think Mars has taught you as a whole, all these years?' I decide to poke around a little more.

'I would say... teamwork. A rough knowledge of other members' experiences and cultures, and ooh so many humping techniques.'

'Ahhh yes, speaking of humps-' I glance at Iggy, who has suddenly disappeared. I feel something bumping against my leg and look down to see him brushing somewhat eeriely against it. 'Errmm...'

'Sorry, just had to do it.' he lets out a hearty bellow, and stops. 'You were saying?'

'-several newer members have been complaining that you are scaring them away with your (and most of LoT's) variety of humps as welcomes; what do you have to say about that?'

'Bahahah! They haven't got it yet? That's like out rites of initiation.'

I interject. 'But you seem to continue doing that all year round, at random intervals.'

'That's just one of the ways of showing LoT's closeness - just keeping in touch, if you know what I mean.' Again that grin.

'Alright,' I finish my frantic scribbling. 'To finish us up on a light note, what is your favourite humping technique?'

'Hmm... Inverted sideways. Now imagine that. And good luck.' he winks as he leads me to the door.

EXTRA : What is the first thing that comes to mind when you think about Iggy?

Terrace - Fear

Wip - Bald

KAMUT - Humping Iggy

Masta - Iggy who? Iggy the killer or Iggy the political leader? Either way it's the same - oh shit!

Derek - his uneasiness over my cacti fetish...o wait thats everybody.

d_d - grandson

Monty - Iggy is a sniping bastard and good friend

Coondog - Iggy possesses similar warring skills as the Coockster, but prefers the military option.

CLM - Iggy jiggy wiggy siggy liggy piggy miggy, its a great name for that.

HellsCrusader - crazy bold spy.

BK (after interview) - sideways inverted o_O

Article by : BK
Source : Iggy (IRC Interview)

[SEP 2010] We interrupt your read with an advertisement

As inspired by:

[23:19][derektheduck] the dungeon can go on that cum stain

[23:20][derektheduck] awwwww. this was a new outfit GE

[23:20][GeneralEarl] it's ok, you can wash it right off with a flour tortilla of choice

[23:20][CLM] and fresh salsa gets rid of the smell

CHOOSE SEA MEN'S TODAY!

Original Design and Picture by : HellsCrusader

[SEP 2010] Wip's Travel Handbook - Geneva

Geneva, the city in the armpit of mountains

Flying to Geneva, Switzerland, can be a sweet experience in clear blue weather while the sun caresses the mountains encircling the city in the valley. Or it can be full of crushing feeling of anxiety in poor weather conditions when you know the mountains are all around you but you just can’t see them. Either way, Geneva is a place worth visiting for.

Mountains everywhere you look

The magnificent scenery everywhere you happen to look can be really breath taking. Green grass, leafy trees and of course the mountains. White, snow covered mountains all around you in this little city with nearly

187k population amongst the Alps. Geneva is quite in the middle of everything. Looking west and south-west, you know that behind the mountains there is France and all their baguettes and berets. Looking east you can almost taste the wienerschnitzels of Austria. Dreaming towards south or south-east, you can imagine all the warmth and the smell of all the pizzas in Italy. Looking north, you can see the only passage out from the valley, towards Germany and their million and one beers. Not a bad placeto be in really.

Loads of cash and diplomacy

Geneva , situated by the Lake Geneva (Lac Léman in French) is living in the shadows of the highest mountain in western Europe (all Europe if not counting Russia to Europe), Mont Blanc, 15,771 feet / 4807 met

ers. As most of Switzerland, Geneva is fully loaded with cash, managing for example assets of about 1 trillion USD in their private banking system. Switzerland being highly focused in Finance, Geneva is along with the city of Zürich the financial centers of the country. Geneva is also specialized in the arts of Diplomacy being the most important international co-operation centers of the world with New York. The most famous result of this is the signing of the Geneva Conventions that set the standards in international law for humanitarian treatment of the victims of war.

Martians having a vacation

With high finance and diplomacy comes also the high prices. Geneva is not really the cheapest place to go to. In 20

09 the city was ranked the 4^th most expensive city in the world. As for the common Martian tourist, you can expect to pay for example a meal, consisting of 2 pizzas and 2 beers, about 50 Euros (about 65 USD). Been there, done that. But if you like the most amazing views and in the winter time prefer really awesome skiing resorts, despite all the cash pouring out of your wallet, it really might be worth all the money.

Article and Photos by : Wip